Thursday, September 10, 2015


Suppose you're in the dating game again, and here you are, talking to someone. Now, you know the narcissist targets particular types of people, so now, let's look at how to turn off a narcissist without turning off a good person, OK? we go....

  1. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF....don't self disclose very much personal information about yourself because the narcissist needs this information in order to “mirror” you, that is, to reflect your views and values back to you, pretending to be SO MUCH LIKE YOU. Don't talk about what you are looking for in a partner, either, because the narcissist will pretend to be exactly that. On the other hand, ask a lot of questions, and if the person seems like they are answering in a way that's fishing for information, be careful not to give it. Even your taste in music and movies can be mirrored as the narcissist looks for information to make it seem as though you are “soul mates”. Likewise, as to issues of faith or lack of it, be careful how you seek that information so you don't tip the person off as to your own views, since faking religious faith, or being a “person of God” is a powerful tool if you take your faith seriously. After you get to know the person well and no red flags appear, there will be plenty of time to let the person know you well.

  1. DON'T PURSUE....if the person is truly interested, they will pursue, and you can respond with interest if you like. It's OK to make contact, say, via phone or email to show interest, but be sure you don't seem very eager, because that smacks of neediness to the narcissist and will make you a target. Likewise, don't be excessively concerned about their approval and change your life right away to accommodate them, such as canceling plans with your friends for the person. If they can't give you room now, and they act possessive, they will be worse later. Think of this process like you are interviewing the person for the job of partner and potential mate, because that's what a narcissist does. The N wants someone who will be eager for their approval and will work hard to please them. You want it the other way, because you know that you will create an equality in that respect, but a narcissist will not.

  1. KEEP PRIVATE TIME AND PRIVATE SPACE.....don't let the narcissist take over your life. If there is a sleep over, don't allow the N to stay, and definitely don't allow the N to gradually move stuff into your space. Moving in quickly is a tactic of narcissists who adopt a “parasitic lifestyle”. Since the narcissist will love bomb you, that means flooding your life and consuming all your time and invading your space, so, maintain your relationships with friends and family, discuss the person with those you trust so you aren't isolated, and maintain your boundaries about what is your space and what is theirs, and what time you will and will not spend with them. I know that your biology will fight you here, since it's natural if things go well, to want more of the same, but there will be room for this in time. Buy doing this, you short circuit the love bombing tactic, frustrating the narcissist.

  1. NEVER DISCUSS YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS....the narcissist will use these in the tactic called “future faking”, which means, playing into your hopes and dreams by pretending that they are your means of having them all come true. If the person is leading you in that direction, you can say that you think you are getting ahead of yourselves and stop it right there. And, even of the person starts discussing their own hopes and dreams, a narcissist will use this method of fishing for information by watching your facial expressions and reactions to what they say, and so, know how to tailor their discussion to mirror you. Not permitting this to happen at the beginning cuts of a path to love bombing and frustrates the narcissist's tactics.

  1. WATCH HOW HE TREATS WAIT STAFF AND OTHER PEOPLE....especially people who a narcissist might think are beneath them, or who they can abuse without any backlash. Politely mention in conversation that you thought that the person's treatment of someone was improper. That shows a narcissist that you will stick up for yourself and they will be repelled by that, whereas a good person will thoughtfully consider what you say. Note also how the person speaks of previous relationships, friends, and family. It's one thing to speak factually about a previous relationship or a specific thing someone has done, it's another to make general slanderous remarks about them and to try to cause you to seriously dislike that person and so avoid them and what they say. A good person is generally respectful to wait staff and a good tipper, but narcissists are very one sided in their treatment of others, unless they can get something from them.

  1. MAKE IT ABOUT GIVE AND TAKE....good relationships are reciprocal. I compliment my wife frequently, and she does the same. She does good things for me, and so do I, for her. Makes sense, but as you know, the narcissist is about being a taker, not a giver, though they may seem very generous during the love bombing stage. My wife and I became friends and I helped her with her chores inside and outside the house, and she would cook for me, and we would watch movies we both liked....long before we ever became romantic. That's the pattern of reciprocity that has continued to this day. A good relationship has balance like this, and is never one sided. It's give and take, not one person giving and the other taking. This allows you to detach and think about your relationship with the person, especially if the compliments and gifts you receive seem really over the top. That would be typical of love bombing. If you are giving too much and the person too little, or the person is way over the top with love bombing, that's not balance, and your efforts in creating balance will turn a narcissist off.

    It's easy to get caught up in your new love interest and not detach and observe, but you need to keep that mind God gave you in gear. Thomas More said, “God made plants for simplicity, and animals for innocence, but he make us to serve him with our WITS, in the tangle of our mind.” So, you have to keep your wits about you and realize early on that you don't have to try to work out everything with every person. Some things need to be let go. Some situations are just plain bad for you. 

    I'm suggesting that the method above may well cause someone who is a narcissist to eliminate you as a candidate for his new supply, or for you to realize when someone may be a narcissist. So, if you do these things and the person dumps you, you may have just dodged a bullet.

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