Thursday, September 10, 2015


OK, let me say right off that I'm not a therapist, and that I made up the name “Mary Poppins Syndrome”. But, I think it does describe how narcissists see themselves.

See, narcissists are extremely touchy when it comes to any suggestion that they are less than perfect, although they are fully capable of FAKING humility. That's because they are oh so prickly about anything that smacks of criticism. But, there's so much more behind this problem.

A person who's been verbally abused can be touchy about criticism, but they don't think they are practically perfect. After you've been with the narcissist for a while, you get a funny feeling, like something just isn't right. You get hints that they are selfish and are can be combative rather than engaging in rational discussion. Something is going on here and you don't quite know what it is.

The reality is that Narcissism is a PERSONALITY DISORDER, meaning, their world and how they view it, and themselves, is totally different than yours, which, to you, causes so much confusion it can be disorienting. And, one of those very different traits is an exaggerated sense of self, called being GRANDIOSE.

I had so many conversations with my NX about being “moderate and reasonable”, including about herself, but as you have guessed, that went nowhere. I think the reason for this is that the narcissist is highly competitive and constantly comparing themselves to others. And, with the narcissist there are only winners and losers, and that means they will always be the winner. The point of being grandiose is that they are better than you and almost everyone. My NX said she was smarter than Einstein (really), and meant it. She's intelligent, but so are lots of people. But thinking of yourself in a sensible way is NORMAL thinking. The narcissists mind is not organized in that way.

My NX still thinks this way, though many years of experience should have taught her otherwise. But, from the narcissists way of thinking, unless they are better than everyone, they are worse. Their thinking is very black and white. In fact, to make themselves seem better to themselves, they are contemptuous of others, including you. You have to be put down so they can rise to the top.

The reason for this, weirdly, is that the narcissist actually has low self esteem papered over with grandiosity, but they can't let themselves, or anyone else, know this. That's why they are never introspective. Why should they be, since they are “practically perfect in every way”?

So, let's examine the narcissists mind and how they think....since they KNOW they are a good person (the facts not withstanding) and their way of looking at things never wrong....well, you must be a horrible person if you disagree in any way. Your job is to worship their perfection. If you say that the narcissist is hurting you, that's just a lie. They would NEVER do something like that. Even their preferences in TV shows and movies are the best and yours dumb. In fact, anything they like or any way they think, is superior to yours.

Abuse? You're imagining it. You're making it up. You deserve every demeaning and degrading thing they say about you. In this way, they justify their habitual cruelty, which to them is not cruelty but honesty. They may banish you from the presence of the king, also known as a discard.

I now have to tell you something that took a very long time to get through my head....20 years, in fact. YOU CAN'T TALK OR REASON A NARCISSIST OUT OF THIS WAY OF BEING. It's in their DNA. It's who they are right to the core. It's how their mind works. It's why therapy is never successful and why they don't get better with age, but rather worse.

You have never been able to reason with them because your mind is organized around reality, a sensible view of yourself, and being reasonable and moderate, but the narcissists' mind is organized around DEFENDING THEIR OWN INFALIBILITY AND GRANDIOSITY. The “king” lives behind castle walls fifty feet high. They are paranoid and suspicious because they know you think in a normal way, so they control you with abuse so you don't dare challenge them.

One day, when I realized I could NEVER change my NX, I got out, only to find out another disturbing fact about narcissists....that they want to clone themselves in their make them into a “mini me”, and that's why they carry it over into the divorce and why they seek to alienate the kids from you. But, that's a topic for another post.

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