Thursday, September 10, 2015


Narcissists marshal an impressive array of defense tactics to avoid the truth, and to avoid facing the reality about themselves. In other words, your asking for clarification of what the N said or did, or when the N thinks you are on to them, they have a “castle” of defenses that prevent any rational discussion or resolution of problems. Here are some of them. You might post any others you've noticed, below, but these come from my own personal experience in dealing with my NarcX.

  1. Denial, which is refusing to acknowledge the facts that they find unpleasantly close to the truth about them. It's really crazy trying to bring something obvious up only to have them act like they have no idea what you're talking about.

  1. Projection, which is accusing YOU of what they are, or are doing, so that their description of you actually is a good description of them. They will describe you to others as...crazy, unstable, lying, cheating, irresponsible, a bad parent, frigid or “a slut”, manipulative, and the like. If you say to them that THEY are like that, they turn it around on you. It also makes anything you say about them to others seem like “he said, she said” and so, not credible. One of the N's favorite defenses.

  1. Intellectualizing (or rationalizing), meaning to recast what the N is doing or saying so it looks in a more favorable light, or taking something wrong and making it excusable, necessary, or virtuous even, which makes for an acceptable explanation of something that is, in reality, TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE AND WRONG. In other words, giving a “good reason” and faking the circumstances around it. “It's for your own good”....”It's God's will”.....”I deserve it”....however, the real reason is quite different.

  1. Splitting, which is making what you do either totally wrong and extremely bad, or else the epitome of all virtues. My NX would say when in public that I was the best parent she had ever seen and no kid could have a better one....well, that made me uncomfortable, because I thought I did a good job, but not better than anyone alive. That seemed nuts. Then, later, she'd say I was crazy, neglectful, a horrible parent, dangerously unstable, a liar, a cheater, and the like, which was actually TOTALLY untrue. I would ask for some reason and moderation in what was being said but was never able to get it. This served the purpose of making the NX look like she had the perfect family, when that suited, or making the NX look like a long suffering martyr when that served best. Splitting, like all defenses, is highly manipulative.

  1., when they cheat, to do some other completely wrong thing, it's “she (he) make me do it”, “she (he) doesn't love me anymore...I just don't feel any love from them”, “he (she) changed so much from when I met them”, or that you're selfish, or your cruel (for speaking the truth), and so many others. This dove tails with “projection”, since the narcissist will often accuse you of doing what they are doing, but in any case, they can shut down any discussion with a flurry of accusations, so that the discussion now becomes not about their conduct, but whether you're guilty of all the accusations. To the narcissist, the best defense is a good offense.

  1. Demanding the recognition of their superiority, in intelligence, or moral standing...they are smarter and understand things better than you do since they are so, let me ask you, doesn't this seem like a child engaging in magical thinking about being a sort of super hero? The narcissist's supposed superiority is all in their mind and a sort of ridiculous fantasy after all.

  1. own NX would divert discussion in the strangest saying, for instance, that one day she'd will the Nobel Prize and then I wouldn't question what she was saying. WHAT? The narcissist can fantasize unlimited wealth, fame, women (men), and inject this craziness into a conversation, so that the discussion becomes about whether the fantasy makes any sense or not, and when you say it doesn't, you get accused of dragging them down and not believing in them. This is crazy making at it's best.
  2. Acting a child, pitching a fit, which, in fact, the narcissist IS....just a child who never grew up, so they divert any conversation that gets too close to reality by just having a tantrum. There is no reasoning or insight here, of course. The object is simply to intimidate you into submission. In any case, you realize that there is no point since there is no discussion, so you let it drop.

Well, that's some defenses, aka defense mechanisms, that come right to mind. My NarcX could, by these means, make things go round and round, and get nowhere, forever, so they made an invincible wall of ignorance and bullsh*t that no one could penetrate. BTW, after all these years, she hasn't changed a bit.

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