Thursday, September 10, 2015


Conversations with narcissists are just plain weird...did you ever have a convo with an N and feel like you might as well have been talking to a chair? I found conversations with my NarcX a kind of crazy making...round and round, making no sense, coming to no conclusion or resolution, or having the NX agree with me to shut me up and knowing that's what was going on, but if I said so, the N would just angrily deny it.

At first, we assume the N is like us, and we assume that they love us and want the best for us, and a good, lasting relationship. WRONG. Yep, later we realize that things are not as the seem. Narcs don't operate by the same rules and assuming that they'd honestly want to resolve problems in conversations....well, that's not what happens.

Narcissists always see things as competition and to the narc, in a conversation, either you win, or they do, and they will use any tactic they can think of to win, and they've got some mind bending tricks up their sleeve. Let's look at some of those tactics that you've no doubt experienced...

  1. BLAMING...yep, it's the blame game. The conversation suddenly gets switched to what's wrong with you, or things you did in the past, and your supposed flaws and faults, ANYTHING that takes the spotlight off the real issue. So, you end up defending yourself against the onslaught of attacks so the problem never gets discussed.
  1. THE NARCISSIST IS A VICTIM...ooooh, the narcissist loves this one. The narcissist sees himself as the hero of his own story and if you think he has any flaws, you're being unfair to him...if you don't treat him as the hero, he must be a victim. He pretends to be hurt, and he knows you hate to hurt people (unlike the N, who does like to hurt people), so you now start to nurture him, and to explain how you didn't mean THAT....he calls you selfish and a bad person, and so, plays on your empathy. By playing “poor little me” he gets you to switch to care taking him, and the discussion gets lost as a result.

  1. THE SILENT TREATMENT.....ah,'s maddening. You want resolution, of course, and he won't participate. He clams up, goes into another part of the house, or leaves. It's an impossible situation and he knows it. HE has control of the situation and you can't make him talk about anything, so he wins. The situation becomes intolerable, and as a price of talking again, the narcissist expects YOU to apologize to HIM for wanting clarification. And, BTW, creating arguments and leaving is a great time for him to go to his other supply, AKA, another one of his harem, and when he comes back from seeing her, he expects you to welcome him with open arms.
  1. INTERRUPTING THE, you start into a reasoned discussion, trying to make points, and you get constantly interrupted, so you can't make a fact, you might have trouble getting a word in edgewise. Here's the deal...the narcissist doesn't care what you think and doesn't want to hear it, so interrupting lets them talk and shuts you up, and proves his dominance and control of you. It's a simple tactic to “win”.

  1. GASLIGHTING YOU....this tactic is particularly destructive since it's point is to make you doubt your own mind and memory, destroy your self confidence, and make you feel you've lost your mental and emotional balance. The narcissist may insist that you don't remember something that, in fact, never happened, or may say he never said that, or never did that, and that you're making things up. He may claim you said and did things that you never said or did. He may hide things, and when you can't find them, he puts them where you already looked and then, he “discovers” it. If you assume the narcissist loves you and wants the best for you, you can easily fall prey to this tactic. The term “Gaslight” comes from a 1949 movie by that name, which is well worth watching.

  1. YELLING AND ATTACKING YOU...this can be frightening because it's so out of control and out of proportion to the discussion, but that's just the point to the narcissist....his sudden blitz of anger and the yelling is incredibly intimidating, shocking, and cruel. As a result of the fear, you go into defensive mode and become submissive to protect yourself, which is exactly his intention.

  1. PROJECTION....this one can be bewildering and really puts you on the defensive...the narcissist ACCUSES YOU of doing what he's doing. If you question him about things that look suspicious cheating wise, he accuses YOU of infidelity. If he lies, or is irresponsible, or a poor parent, or is get accused and so, the conversation gets changed to you DEFENDING YOURSELF against obviously false allegations....except, he puts on a really good act that he actually believes what he says. He doesn't. It's a tactic, and one that works and works well for him.

  1. SWITCHING THE TOPIC....oh, yea, my NarcX was a master at switching the topic. This is where “word salad” works...sort of rambling, disconnected conversation where the N goes on and on. Or, you want to talk about something, and the N says, “Yea, well, what about …...” and there you go, the old switcheroo. That way, the N controls the conversation and the issue the N wants to avoid never gets discussed.

Of course, you get frustrated, you get angry, you get depressed....and so, the narcissist calls you crazy and says you're making something out of nothing, and smears you behind your back. These tactics, to be clear, are deliberate and premeditated, and constitute “crazy making” tactics, and recognizing that is an important part of recovery.

No comments:

Post a Comment