I often see that survivors
say how long it has been post Narc, and wonder how long it will be
until everything is fine again....until they are happy, until they
can trust and love again. Recovery is....well, it happens
differently for each of us. At times, you may feel much better, then
later, not so much. The truth is that recovery is somewhat
unpredictable, and even those of us who have been at this for quite
some time...for me, 14 years, can tell you that they are still a work
in progress, and always will be.
I have an opinion on what
this is. For one thing, we all have PTSD, or at least every survivor
I and my now wife have ever met. You may be familiar with the issue
of “triggers”...things that cause you to instantly feel the old
feelings...fear, anger, or pain, for instance...and the truth is that
you have no control over your triggers. However, the gradualness of
recovery is the gradual lessening of the strength of these triggers.
PTSD...after a while, with
treatment, it becomes like an unwelcome visitor and the harder you
resist the feelings, the stronger it becomes, so, you learn to accept
what you can't change...you learn, gradually, to live with the
feelings. I know that sounds like bad news, but it's neither good or
bad...it just is.
Then, there are the
memories, and the dreams. I found that the med called prazosin,
originally for blood pressure, makes the bad dreams better. For your
anxiety, which we all have, for some time, antianxiety meds can be a
bridge. The depression...not being able to feel the happiness
anymore...meds do help. Yea, you likely need meds. I still take
prazosin and antidepressants, and I've learned to be OK with
that...it's fairly common if you've been in a prolonged narcissistic
relationship.
Failure...that's often how
we see ourselves after the narc, especially since the narc is still
in our heads. It takes some time and experience in the real world
with normal people until we see ourselves as just a normal person who
lived in a terrible situation.
Revenge...karma.....for a
long time, it wasn't that I wanted revenge. It was that I wanted,
somehow, for God, or karma, or something, to balance the scales. It
took a lot of time before I stopped thinking about this, but I did,
eventually. I knew that if I didn't let it go, I'd be wasting mental
energy thinking about it. I decided to just live right. Period. In
the end, it came out right, but the only justice has been that
brought about by my NarcX's own bad judgment.
At first, I was afraid of
loving again. This was made worse by meeting another narc, but I got
this one out of my life in a few weeks. That helped my confidence.
I saw the red flags and I did the right thing. But, it happened
again, and again I got the N out of my life in two weeks. I got very
cautious, but I wanted, very much, to at last have real love, and I
found it, one day, most unexpectedly. And, yes, that helped me a
lot. But, my wife and I had to live with the fact that we were both
damaged goods...and be OK with that. It helped that we understood
since we had both been married to a narc for over 20 years. We were
not perfect and still aren't, but we loved each other the way we are.
It helps recovery a lot just to be accepted and loved instead of
being criticized and demeaned. It REALLY changes things.
So, that's what I have to
say. I wish I could give you a short list that would make everything
better, but that wouldn't be honest or fair. I remember feeling so
bad, so sad, so depressed, so much anxiety...and wondering, “For
God's sake, when is this going to end.” Honestly....never. It
doesn't end, but it gets a hell of a lot better. Much better.
Slowly. Gradually. But it does happen.
I'm happily married, very
happily married to a wonderful woman who, imagine this, thinks she
married a wonderful man. It was hard and I'm still processing it,
otherwise, I wouldn't be doing all this. Every year, I learn more,
understand more, and get stronger. But, I've learned that I'm not so
strong in myself. My faith means a lot. I lean on God and I lean on
my wife, who is so strong....well, we are strong, if we lean on each
other.
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