Thursday, September 10, 2015

HOW NARCISSISTS MAKE SURE YOU NEVER RESOLVE PROBLEMS IN A RELATIONSHIP.


  1. Circular conversations

    You’ll think you worked something out, only to begin discussing it again in the next conversation. And it’s as if you never even said a word the first time around, or the 10th time around. The narcissist has lots of complaints about you, while ignoring any legitimate arguments you may have provided, time and again. At the end of the conversation, nothing will be resolved. The same issues will come up over and over again—why are they friendly with their ex.... again? Why are they suddenly distant? Why do they seem so eager to get out of your presence? And every time you bring up these issues, it’s as if you never even had the argument in the past. You get sucked back in, only to feel crazy & high-maintenance, then they decide “I’m sick of always arguing about this.” It’s a merry-go-round.

    2. Bringing up your past wrongdoings & ignoring their own

    If you point out something the narcissist is doing—like ignoring you, not listening to what you say, being distant, or issues with their ex—rather than discussing the issues you ask them to resolve, they’ll mention something from the past that you’ve done wrong. Did you once upon a time do something wrong? Well then, what they're doing isn’t really all that bad compared to what you did years ago. Did you do XXX two years ago? Well then, you can’t complain about what they're doing now. And God forbid you bring up any of their wrongdoings. Then, you are an abusive lunatic with a list of grievances that have no basis. In this way, the problem you bring up, however simple, never gets solved.

  1. Condescending & patronizing tone

    The entire conversation will have the basis that you're obviously unreasonable, obsessed, or crazy, and they are entirely reasonable and a victim. It’s almost like they are examining you, because you realize that they aren't listening, just waiting you out. When you finally react emotionally, that’s when the narcissist will  tell you to calm down, and tell you their feelings are hurt or you are abusive. The whole point of this behavior is to depict you as unhinged, and therefore give them the upper hand. Because remember, conversations are competitions to be won, not problems to be resolved.
  1. Accusing you of doing things that they are themselves doing

    This will put you on the defensive, especially in heated arguments. You are trying to save the marriage or relationship, asking for changes, and to be heard, but they will begin labeling you with their own faults...so if they are negative and critical of you, they say you are like that. The narcissist will depict you as a horrible person, but they will at times accuse you of this in an indirect way. This will frustrate you and of course, you will react negatively, proving their point as far as they are concerned. By diverting the conversation into your numerous and onerous faults, they never discuss the real problems in the marriage.  This is called PROJECTION by therapists.


    5. This is true, but wait, then THIS is true

    If you angrily pull out of the conversation because it goes round and round, the narcissist will start insulting the things they once said they liked about you...you become a terrible person now. You’ll be left wondering who you’re even talking to, because a positive thing is said at one time, then a demeaning and insulting comment later. They love you and they despise you, they think you are a good person, then a very bad person. There is no stability in their view of you. They leave you feeling totally unloved even while saying they love you.

  1. The victim

    Somehow the narcissist's problems and their confusing behavior that's inconsistent with a marriage or relationship will always lead back to a conversation about their abusive past, and then they compare you to their former abuser, even if the former abuser ex IS the problem causing the confusion. The idea is for you to end up feeling bad for them, even when they've done something wrong. Then after doing this, they will seek an opportunity to bond with you over their supposed complex feelings. And once they have successfully averted your attention elsewhere by acting as if they have changed, they will soon become distant and things go back to the way they were.... no bonding or deep spiritual connection whatsoever. They are the ones saying “abuse” while being abusive—and, in the end, you are left feeling nothing but empty.

  1. You begin explaining basic human emotions and actions

    You find yourself explaining things like “empathy” and “feelings” and “being nice”, what is a “bad person” and what is a “good person”, what are bad motives and what are good motives, what is OK for a person to do in a certain circumstance, and what is not OK, or you explain that a person has obviously bad intentions, which the N says has good intentions, then says the opposite later, and then claims they never said anything else. Most adults do not need to be taught the golden rules from kindergarten. You do this because you have attempted to see the good in them. You think to yourself, “if they can just understand why I’m hurt, then they’ll stop doing it.” But they won’t. In the first place, they wouldn’t have done all the hurtful things they have done if hurting you was their primary concern. The worst part is, they have this sweet, caring persona. They know how to be kind & good, but they will hurt you again and again, and then you realize that your happiness is not nearly as important to them as you once imagined, because they are more than willing to hurt you if necessary for what is a “higher good” in their mind....and they really believe they are doing the right thing while doing this, and your pain is irrelevant. The marriage is sacrificed to the “greater good”, or to what they want to do, no matter how hurtful it is to you.

  1. Excuses

    Everyone messes up every now and then, but narcissists give flimsy excuses rather than actually following through with promises. When their actions don't match up with their words, they shrug and say they weren't really thinking about it. You'd be humiliated if you broke a promise, but they are emotionless and it simply isn't a serious problem to them, even when you point out that they are destroying the all trust in your marriage and that the marriage can't survive without trust. They know that, but it's irrelevant, whereas once, it was extremely important to them...but that's long gone. You are disappointed so frequently that you can't feel relieved when they do something decent—they condition you to expect to be disappointed again and again, and you are. All happiness is temporary, and just a short reprieve before another inflicted hurt.

    9. What in the world just happened?”

    These conversations leave you drained. You may be left with an actual headache, but definitely a sense of total frustration. You will spend hours, even days, thinking over the argument you've just had. You’ll feel as if you exhausted all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing. Even if you have well thought out arguments in your head, you can never respond to all the deflections, accusations, personal attacks, and asides that make your points get lost and become irrelevant, so you try again and again to bring the conversation back on track. You will feel the need to defend yourself and much of the time is spent in this way. You can tell the narcissist isn't really listening, they just want you to shut up so they can go back to doing the same thing and ignoring what you said. You’ll try to come up with a diplomatic solution, and you admit that you have been wrong at times. 

    But in the end, you’ll find that you’re the only one truly apologizing. One day you realize you are the only one trying to save this marriage or relationship, and that's the saddest day of your life. You sink into despair. It's hopeless without the narcissist truly wanting to repair and renew your relationship.  You become resigned to a divorce happening, sooner or later. Perhaps now, or perhaps you will go on for years in a loveless relationship...empty inside. Your spiritual life is dead.
So, altogether, these 9 things will be enough to prevent any problem from being resolved because the narcissist doesn't intend to resolve anything. They just want to get out of the present discussion and then, they avoid thinking about the problem, and avoid you. They don't even like you anymore, much less love you, but never the less they will blame you for the divorce despite the fact that you tried over and over to save it, with no cooperation from them

And, you you feel lost and empty...and you find yourself asking again and again.....WHY?  For God's sake, WHY? With a narcissist, there is no closure, and no possible answer to that problem....there is only the knowledge that you did the right thing, that it wasn't your fault, and that one day you will meet someone who will appreciate those good qualities.

44 comments:

  1. Wow!! This is spot on. Any attempt at resolution is perceived by him as an argument. No matter how I begin the conversation he says, “ you just want to fight”. He says things to me like “nothing is ever good enough for you?”, he blames me for making him miserable and puts me down. Asks me if I took me medication?

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    1. I had the same... no matter how nicely I spoke to him he had a go at me for 'causing drama'. Apparently I progressed from mood swings to depression to bi-polar to mental instability to mental illness in 5 months. I started off 'perfect'.

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    2. Yep. Can't have a conversation. You're trying to start an argument.

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    3. Mine likes to say it's drama when he's the one who created it. He also diverted away from the issue and projects it on me. If you tell him he's the one, he then says you're turning it on him. Mine withheld sex for two years .I found out he was hiding and watching porn. When I told him I knew, he just said to stop accusing him and walked away. Claims he is a man of integrity yet hides and lies about porn. Lies .

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    4. Every single bit of this is how it goes for me. I also seen the history on a computer. I don't have an issue with a man looking at porn. It's when you've been sleeping alone for over a year when once your sex life was fireworks and thought not one thing could change that, is when feelings vet hurt. I felt ugly and that he wasn't attached to me anymore. He denied it when I said something and still does to this day. Says he doesn't have to look at porn that he has me but I sit alone every day and every night.

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  2. This has been my experience; word for word. I was accused of over-reacting, being too upset or angry, didn't use the right tone or chose the right time. He would play the victim and walk out. He would be gone for weeks at a time with no communication. He'd return when he decided to give me another chance. Nothing ever got resolved. I finally ended the relationship! Patricia P.

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  4. This is exactly my husband and he is also a raging alcoholic! I have give him 6 years of my life and he will not admit to wrongdoing. He has cheated and lied and trys to make me look like the crazy person! I am done with this narcissistic A-hole!

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  5. I am so past all this that now I just sit there while he goes on and on from one thing to the next and when I don't respond he gets more irrate yelling at me blaming everything on me and that I will ruin everyone's lives his our kids us because I'm wrong and won't communicate with him (lol) I spent years doing all these things listed now most of the time I just don't ... He's going to hate me no matter so I just stopped joining in ... But now I feel that Im the one fitting some of the "narcissists" traits ... Just can't win 😖😖

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    1. Look up co-dependent. Honestly, I believe we are all narcissist and people aren’t seeing that. The part that turns into negativity, arguments, and manipulation is what deserves a separate label. I put people first but my ex is a Covert Narc, I hate to be disrespected and as I figured everything out it infuriated me so began to hold her to what she said and showed. She would go into rage fits and in to hiding so to speak. Little graphic but she always left everything up to speculation for all the facts in things and going ons. So I’d wonder is cheating, y did he call, who lets the ex stay a week while there man is off working 3 states away and give the reasoning of it was to help him stay clean before his probation visit for a drug test while knowing they have a drug problem too? That was the last straw for putting her first. So long story short I got frustrated she went to rageing and I told her I’d had a friendly encounter before our friendly encounter and I asked how the other friendly encounter tasted as she did oral things. She let out a screech of agony I’d never heard before. It wasn’t a physical pain noise. It was a deep pain screech, I hit her ego and pride. Finally, I found the weak spot on the beast. She’s hoovering now and I play along then as she thinks she’s on top I drop an ego bursting bomb and she’s devastated again. I now take pleasure in her pain but I don’t take it out on others. So to pay them back for all they’ve done or are tryin to do they more than deserve what they get. I’ll leave you with one more thing to look up on you tube about a man defeating a narcissist and he basis the clip on the movie shattered, it’s about a Narc., best quote ever after loving a Narc if you ask me but anyways... “Who breaks the wings of a butterfly on a wheel?
      I do.”

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  6. Yep This was my life for 15 years...Then when I started to speak up for myself....he divorced me....(which later I realized is a part of his pattern of behavior) when its not about him or he can't have his way, he destroys the relationship or job and starts completely over. His family is so afraid of him that they never question the behavior (if they do he stops speaking to them for years at a time), so he doesn't have to be accountable to anyone. Once I left, and had a chance to be with my own mind again...and not constantly walking on egg shells....I finally realized how much of me had completely disappeared. Marriage to a narcissist is years of emotional/mental/verbal abuse all rolled up into what is mistaken for COMPROMISE in marriage...I don't think I will ever marry again...I almost lost my mind because of this one...LITERALLY... professional help....Professional help kept me from losing my sanity and also made me aware that I have the personality type narcissists like. I'm only angry now that I wasted so much of my life on this person and all of their lies and B.S.

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    1. 15 years... me too..I wonder what is wrong with smart people falling into black holes and can't think straight..I d be glad to listen your anger is gone..this is what i am fighting now with..i don't want to think i wasted years..I wanna learn the lesson..WHY I did it.. i m not alone..thanks

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    2. Wow. Im so glad to read that i am not crazy Im trying to leave an N now I don't even know what to say He is everything that has been said and I just paid with my sanity He even got rid of my dogs And now everything is right as rain in his world No remorse whatso
      ever. But irs my fault still

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    3. Sounds exactly like me. But I wasted 22 years, gave up my life entirely for his then ended up divorcing him when I discovered he was living with his whore in another state. I miss being a part of a couple but I would rather spend my life alone than go back to that!

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  7. I have been married to one since three years...to top it his mother is also a narcissist. I have been belittled by both, lied to an cheated on...and why he did this because i dont have a great body. It cane to a point that i started hating myself. Everything is about them their needs their mood. Its like walking on egg shells all the time. It came to a point that i started doubting myself. I have had enough and because now i gave back the same treatment i got he has asked for a divorce. I am going through it right now and learning to love myself once more. Also i am not missing him like i thought i would coz he was never available emotionally or physically.

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    1. Yep. There's no emotion and he's never interested in anything involving me. If I'm talking, I talk too much, if I'm quiet, Im mad. Now I know why...his guilt for doing porn.

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  8. I've lived with one for the past 11years. Things never get better. The rages, the accusations, his insecurities, that disdainful look on his face when he threatens me. It's becoming more and more unbearable. I want to leave. Friends say if he doesn't hit you,it isn't that bad. They don't know what I go through. He sucks my soul out just like a vampire. I am constantly drained. But now, I have had enough. I just pray that when I leave with my son, he won't send people to kill me. It worries me sick. I wonder why they are so horrible.

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    1. I am going through a divorce after 20 years of living with a N as well and the N has made it miserable. He is fighting for kids and the house and has managed to make me penniless..I have already spent a large amount on the case and nothing moves forward..worst of all we are yet under the same roof as i have no other support where I live. It's going to be almost 2 years fighting for the kids and finance and divorce...i doubt i can ever love a man again.

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  9. I've lived with one for the past 11years. Things never get better. The rages, the accusations, his insecurities, that disdainful look on his face when he threatens me. It's becoming more and more unbearable. I want to leave. Friends say if he doesn't hit you,it isn't that bad. They don't know what I go through. He sucks my soul out just like a vampire. I am constantly drained. But now, I have had enough. I just pray that when I leave with my son, he won't send people to kill me. It worries me sick. I wonder why they are so horrible.

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  10. Omg!!!! This is my ex top to bottom!!! I’ve never had any problems communicating with anyone until my ex!!! Holy Shit!!! Every discussion was scripted and explained exactly above! I felt emotionally bankrupt and drained!!! Never in my life have I ever lost it verbally because not one single issue was ever resolved and each hurtful thing she did pile on top of the last unresolved issue.

    I thought I was losing my mind and going crazy and questioning myself! Thank god it’s in my past!! So hurt leaving it and felt a complete waste of time, but I learned so much from it!!!

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  11. This is exactly right! The argument always went in circles, he accused me of not being able to “let things go” when I brought up the past for an example as to why I was still hurting. Told me to get over it, even though his cheating and lying left emotional scars. I was so lost and confused because he never tried to mend what was broken, he just kept breaking things like it didn’t matter. No sane person hurts the one he claims to love like that!! The cheating was so out of hand that he went after my own sisters, then when I asked him why the hell he would do that he answered “I don’t know, it just felt right at the time.” Like it was a good life decision! He left me after we had an argument and I told him to either fix what he broke or to get out and let a guy who will truly love me come Into my life. He refused marriage counseling outright and just left a couple days after that. We’re now going through our divorce and I couldn’t be happier. Oh, and his exact words before he left we’re “I don’t feel like fixing this, I already broke it to much and I don’t want to work that hard. I might as well start off a new relationship with someone else.” Typical moving onto another supply for the Narc. I finally realized who he was and he thought “oh crap, she knows. Gotta bail!”
    Oh, he also already had a girl lined up that he had been talking to for months behind my back with. Good luck new girl, you’re gonna need it! Hope she figures out his game earlier than I did! I also hope she doesn’t have any sisters!

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    1. Wow.. just wow... that’s exactly what mine did except it was my niece and he told me repeatedly “just get over it!” If I tried to talk about it.. and when I asked him if he would put up with it if I did it to him his response was “go ahead and do what you want to do! I don’t care!” He never answered the question but also let me know he would be long gone if I pulled the same thing.. double standards! I’m pretty sure mine has been seeing another woman especially after reading your post.. he was very secretive and sketchy before he left

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  12. ..I realized some time ago that I'd been holding on to an emotionally abusive relationship with my wife. This was so spot on about her, I had to laugh...felt sad that I've wasted so many years too...

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  13. Everyone that knows mine, thinks he's a great guy ...lol

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    1. Mine 2! The exact words that were used that almost made me vomit were that he was “a real stand up kind of guy” are you kidding me?! he has ran from everything in his life! Crazy how they can put on such an act for others but we see the evil they really are behind closed doors

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  14. wow my girlfriend is always throwing this word at me. she even sent me this link. I have to admit in the past I was bad with communication and quick to shut down. I even lied and hid shit. but I don't think she read the article or can accept what she says I turned her into. this is almost 100 percent her character traits when I feel like I'm practically begging for open honest communication.

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  15. I am sitting here jaw on the floor reading my life in other people’s words! I had no idea there were that many jackasses out there like the one I have! Mine also cut his family off for the past 10 years.. we went to visit them (my first time) after a decade of no contact with them before we were married and they couldn’t believe that he had someone he was actually marrying.. that should have been a huge red flag! We were still in the “scam stage” of the relationship where I thought he was my knight in shining armor.. they tried to subtly tell me he was an asshole but I didn’t catch on .. looking back I see it clear as Day .. I started standing up for myself and he recently moved out and wants a divorce.. I tried over and over to change to meet his criteria but that just fueled his ego even more.. the more submissive I was the more controlling and irrational he became.. when I tried to talk about the things he was doing to hurt me I was a drama queen..hell he wanted me to ditch my kids for him! Turn my back on them and tell them he was number one in my life lol never gonna happen (Red flag number 2) he also completely cut himself off from me and our marriage emotionally and sexually.. he would become very angry if I brought up sex and if I was upset and crying he would bail on me and get even more distant.. he recently left me for 8 months and moved to another city but me being the one that wanted to save the marriage I pursued him the entire time.. he came back saying things would be different but they were worse than before because now he thought he could utterly dehumanize me because I wanted the marriage to work and he didn’t give a damn if it did or not.. well I came home from work a few days ago and all of his stuff was gone.. I believe he found a new target at his new job but I know I did everything I could to work on myself to please him and to save our marriage but there’s no pleasing a narcissist and I feel relieved that I don’t have to deal with his petty mind games and I no longer have to walk on eggshells! I am free of the bs! It hurts because all of the dreams I had with this man but they were a lie..I know I can walk away from this with my head held high and I can move on and find true happiness.. I know what a narc looks like now and I will run like hell if I ever come across another one!

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    1. Your husband sounds like my wife exactly what an eye opener was when I found out about all this eight years I suffer through that 2 days after I left my God what a burden off my shoulders you can love buddy somebody to death but man you cannot let them drain every ounce of energy out of you I thought it was a mental case wasn't me cuz everything was blamed on me I had ADHD I had you name it wow

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    2. Hi Tanya,

      I can’t tell you thank you enough. By God’s Grace I found this and your posts. Ive seen little things and now see your ex and his dark twisted, pathological lying, controlling ways. It’s like a bad dream. You deserve better. Without your posting I would have never known. Bless you.

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  16. On spot. I m broken so broken. Loved me then ended it like I was some unwanted whore.

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  17. WOW!WOW!!WOW! I am in awe! I am so full of emotions. I really believed those words she said. Thought it was me. Questioning myself all the time. What am I doing wrong? How can I be so bad that I cant get this relationship right? Why? Why? Why? I must be crazy because...... As I read these testimonies I am relieved, assured, comforted in knowing I am not alone nor am I crazy. What I was seeing was what I was seeing. What I was feeling was true. I have 3 kids that I put through this also for 2 and half years because I "believed" that we could have a happy, healthy relationship. With everything inside me I knew we wouldn't make it but I refused to "give up" when in actuality that's exactly what I should have done the first time I left. But I want to learn myself so that I dont attract these kinds of people in my life. Recently left her. Have had no contact with her. She has text and called but I refuse to respond. Guide a journey!

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  18. 30 years!!!!
    Yes . I thought he was my soulmate , the love of my life. It dawned on me that people who love do not leave , they stay and try make things work . People who love don’t go calling their partners and the mother of their children crazy , a witch, bad in bed to near and distant family relatives. I nearly lost my life by trying to commit suicide until I stated reading and new and understood what he had was a mental illness. That wax the only way so could come to terms with what he did to me and our family. He took my home, my kids , my life , discredited me in front of everyone while appearing the charming lovable gentleman. Everyone blamed me and he played the victim well. I nearly lost it. Now he is being exposed little by little by family and friends . God is just and no abuse or deliberate torture of another human being will ever go unpunished

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    1. I also had suicidal thoughts.. they make you feel like your absolutely bat 💩 crazy! It wasn’t until I started doing some research that I realized it wasn’t really me! The blinders were lifted and that gave me the strength to leave the marriage.
      I’m so sorry for all that your narc took from you but God will give back 10x better than what you lost. 🙂

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  19. This is my husband to a T. Communication does not exist in our relationship and my feelings don't matter only his. I'm the crazy one all because I want to discuss my feelings and resolve issues in our marriage. Never happens because he starts arguing and then walks away from me. It's all about him and his needs.

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  20. Almost 30 years, 3 children and 2 grandchildren later, after studying counselling skills, did I come to the realisation that I have been enabling a narcissist with my time and energy. Reading the comments is heart breaking and they all resonate so loudly. He will move out shortly and I plan on enjoying the rest of my life and not begging for scraps of someone's love and attention. Self love is highly important x

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  21. Thisvis spot on...i just recently had a wonderful day with him..he acrptually acted like a dream man, only to be told he wanted a divorce hours later...you see, i could not find the car keys..my son actualky picked them up..vut he told me that i alys want to blame everyone else for things, i am always nasty..
    He left with the kids for a few hours, so I decided to make him dinner and a cake from scratch..he came home and cussed and screamed at me because I heated the sauce in the microwave , I ruined his f ing dinner, f me ..I was told I was nasty, all in front of the kids who are 9 and 14...how do I cope with things like this happening..everyone tells me he is this Great guy..I am alone..

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  22. I am sad, depressed..living in this hellish nightmare that keeps going ..my son is now saying things that resemble him..what have I done, I have allowed this..ugh

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    1. You need to get out of that situation for you and your kids ASAP this is so toxic for all of you involved. I know that you don’t need someone telling you that but you only have one life don’t waste one more second on someone who doesn’t value you. There are so many people that will treat you right. Unfortunately he will NEVER be happy and he will drag down whoever is with him along the way.
      I wish you the best

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    ReplyDelete
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    can I receive the cure that I am in UK, he told me
    That I will pay for the delivery service. The courier service can
    transport it to me so he told me the amount I will pay, so my dad paid for
    the delivery fee. two days later I receive the cure from the courier
    service so I used it as the herbal man instructed me to, before the week runs out, my sister cancer was healed and it was like a dream to me not
    knowing that it was physical I and my family were very happy about the
    miracle of Doctor kokobi. my dad wanted to pay him 5 million  dollars as token of our appreciation towards his good work but the
    herbal man declined the offer which I don't know why, he only say that I should tell the world about him
    and the miracle he perform so am here now to tell the world about him if
    you or your relative is having any kind of disease that you can't get a solution to from
    the hospital please contact kokobiherbalremedycentre@gmail.com or WhatsApp him
    +254746618873 or call him via his calling line +2348114448587 . And if you need more information about the doctor you can send me an mail @
    juliamoreton78@gmail.com

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